INSECURITIES we all have them. Some of us cover them with a smile, others with pride and yet still others with faux perfection. Making it seem like I had the perfect life was my cover up of choice. When the reality was my baggage was so heavy that even a strong man twice my size couldn't carry it. The source of my insecurity dates all the way back to my childhood days. You see, I grew up in the Church of God Holiness. I couldn't wear pants, i couldn't go to the movies, I couldn't listen to any secular music, in fact I wasn't even allowed to have a walk man because my parents didn't want me listening to the radio. I couldn't talk on the phone as a teenager, even at the age of 17 I couldn't have male friends. Me moved more times than I would like to have and attending different schools and making new friends was hard for me because know one liked the new girl because she dressed weird. My first pair of name brand gym shoes was some L.A. Gears, I thought I was hot stuff! But it wasn't enough to make me popular or gain any likes. As a result I always felt inadequate, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not well dressed enough, not a part of the "in" crowd. As I got older nothing seemed to go according to plan. All of my efforts to finish school failed, I was divorced after being married for 15 years and not accomplishing anything, lost my house, lost my car and with every loss, set back and failure a piece of my security and self esteem was washed away until nothing was left. The dream of having a perfect life had slipped between my fingers and all that was left was a facade.
Insecurity had grown such deep roots that I was willing to accept whatever a man did to me just because I wanted to be in love and be loved in return. I was convinced that whatever he dished out I could handle. He didn't have to open my car door I could open my own. He didn't have to honor, cherish or respect me, I respected myself enough. He didn't have to respect or value my thoughts, opinions, skills or ideas, I knew they had value. I just wanted someone, anyone, because being alone was not an option. I needed someone to make me happy, some one to make me whole, someone to SAY they loved me, someone to be my companion, someone to make my life seem like I had accomplished something, someone to take away all the pain that I had endured my whole life.
Those are some heavy weights to put on another human being. If you are broken within no flawed human being can MAKE you happy or whole. No flawed human being can erase all of your hurt. No flawed human being can give you value. Truth is, I never fully believed my thoughts, skills, ideas, or opinions had value. In fact many times I wondered if I were crazy or just not very smart. I never thought enough of myself to demand that he open my door, or honor, cherish, or respect me. I really didn't think I was worth it. I looked at him as an asset not realizing that I myself am an asset.
Over time this so called love took such a toll on me. With each passing year the pit I was in became smaller, darker and more difficult to get out of. This wasn't the kind of love I wanted. The more I was devalued, disrespected, disregarded, degraded, oppressed and depressed the more I realized that I had value, I was worth something, and I deserved TRUE LOVE.
As I sat in my bathroom one day crying hysterically while satan whispered all kinds of lies in my ear, my Father spoke out and said HE LOVED ME! It's in His presence that I find peace. In His presence I find joy. In His presence I find strength. I found my self-esteem, my value, my security, and my self-worth in His love for me. He gave His son so that I could LIVE! And He Loves me UNCONDITIONALLY despite all of my flaws, mistakes and ugly parts! If He Loves me that much why wouldn't I love me and why wouldn't I be deserving of true Love from others.
Sure, loving again means that I will never settle for just anything. But more than that it means that I will not hold someone else responsible for my happiness, because I have God's eternal joy inside of me. I will not expect healing and wholeness to come from a flawed love, because I'm healed by the blood of Jesus and His love makes me whole. No longer will I seek my value in others, I'm worth so much He gave His life for me. The freedom I have found in releasing my baggage, casting my cares on Him and resting in His presence and His promises is PRICELESS! I'm no longer insecure but worth it all!
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Debate and difference of opinion are okay as long as it is done with LOVE and respect. We will not all see eye to eye on everything but we will be respectful and considerate of one another. We will not put each other down because our issues are different we will lift each other up in word and in deed. When you post your comment it is not immediately viewable to you. Its emailed to me first then I publish it. So don't worry because you don't see it, it's there.