Suicide Note

There I sat one Saturday night at age 10 or 11 in the bathtub singing a song I made up. I was fully convinced that no one loved me, no one cared, my parents hated me, I was the black sheep of the family, my friends were very few and I was constantly being bullied at school! The song I made up was a reflection of all those thoughts. The pain in my heart was so heavy and as the tears began to stream down my face the only way I could see to end my pain was death. I wanted to die. I was a worthless waste and no one cared about me anyway so I wouldn't even be missed. My only problem was I had no idea what method to use, drowning myself in the tub never crossed my mind. Finally I convinced myself to get out of the tub and from there move on with my life. Feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of suicide consumed me many days after that, from childhood to my teenage years, right into adulthood. At age 27 I was fired from my job for doing things I absolutely knew was wrong, the engine in my car died, I got caught cheating on my husband with a man who was also married, my phone was cut off and all that was left was me. Look at how messed up I am I kept telling myself. I don't have a job, I haven't finished school, I no longer have a vehicle, no money to pay my phone bill, my credit is shot, my marriage is a wreck, and no one loves me, not even God. I closed the blinds, got in bed, put the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep. How was I going to fix this? How could I have been so stupid? How did I ever get so caught up? God will never forgive me for this and He will never love me the way He loves everyone else. The pain of my reality was so great that I could not stand to my feet. I slept for days at a time. And whenever I had trouble sleeping vodka and ibuprofen or hydrocodone or anything else that I may have had in the medicine cabinet would always help. Depression was imminent and I could have taken a bottle of pills to kill myself but I did not want there to be any chance that I would be found, my stomach would be pumped and I would live. I wanted a gun so badly! One shot and it would be over!  Life continued to pass me by, year after year my New Years resolution was the same as the year before; I didn't want to spend another year unhappy. Finally after what felt like a million ups and downs I found myself divorced, eventually homeless and broken. I had made such a mess of my life and I had no idea how to fix it. Seven months after being divorced I was married again and living over 500 miles away from my family and my children. The pain, grief and agony that I've endured over the past 3 1/2 years has been unimaginable. Most times I felt as if God left me all alone in the wilderness to be ravished by a raging animal. Many days I wanted to jump off of the bridge towards the end of my street. One day last summer I made up in my mind that once my children returned to Michigan for the summer I was going to kill myself no matter what this time! And no one was going to stop me! 

Before I could follow through with my plans to end my life there I was again in my bathroom crying hysterically, this time wearing nothing but my socks. I couldn't crawl into bed and sleep. I couldn't pull myself together. I was breaking down, this was worse than ever before, the pain in my heart felt like it was double my weight. Right in the midst of my break down, while satan was repeating his lies of defeat God spoke out and declared His Love for me. He told me I wasn't defeated, worthless or unloved. God knew the depth of my pain, the strong intent of my heart, and the sincerity of my thoughts and IMMEDIATELY He began to send people into my life to help, support and save me. He sent people to pour into me, to lift me up, to build me up and to give me a platform to share my story. God began renewing my heart, my mind and my spirit. He confirmed, affirmed, and reaffirmed that I am loved, I am forgiven, I am not forgotten, I am His, and I have His power dwelling in me. I'm being renewed, I'm being set free and with every step I take I'm putting the old me further and further behind me! I will not be a slave to medication or satan's lies, I'm no longer a victim I AM A VICTOR!

Dear Former Me, 

No longer will I believe that I am worthless, no longer will I believe that my life is cursed, no longer will I believe that I have no hope, no longer will you steal my joy, no longer will you cause me to doubt who I am and who my God is. No longer will I fear success, no longer will I be afraid to walk the path my God laid out for me. No longer will I be held hostage by my past, no longer will I be controlled by depression, and no longer will I be stabilized by medication. I am a child of the King! God is my Father and my dearest friend. He has given me the power to live an abundant life. His Love rests, reigns, and rules inside of me. His presences surrounds me and because of this I am an overcomer! Today I committed suicide, I killed the old me, so that the new me could live, be healed, be restored and fulfill my destiny. In Christ I am a new creature, old things have passed away and no matter the difficulty I may be facing I vow to kill the old me daily, to face the day with my Father, to rebuke the evil forces that come to destroy me and to bring every thought into subjection. I am an overcomer, I WIN!

Sincerely,

The New Me